It’s been on my mind for a while now how much I love to write. It allows me to get out the thoughts in my head that are driving me crazy. It gives me a hobby that I am comfortable with that doesn’t force me to leave the house if I don’t want to. It brings truth to light that maybe would have floated around forever if I didn’t see it on paper. It makes me feel like I am contributing something worthwhile to the world. It gives me a written account of my memories that I know I will treasure looking back on in the future – and I am so happy I was able to share some of my biggest life events on this blog, like getting married!
But lately, I haven’t felt those things. It has felt like more of a chore than a hobby to write this blog – like something I have to do, when it should be something I really want to do. It’s become just something else to check off my to-do list. I get really stressed out if I don’t write what I told myself I would. It seems like it is just jumbling things around in my head even more than before. In short, it’s not bringing me the things it should or it used to.
I 100% accredit this to one thing – lack of authenticity. To be completely honest with you, I have been going through some things in my personal life lately that aren’t so fun. Things that have been bringing me a lot of anxiety and that are tough to talk about. And since I haven’t discussed them in my writing, the things I have been writing are true, but feel fake to me. It seems like I’m not giving you the whole story – and I’m not!
This isn’t due to wanting to hide anything or because I am ashamed. It’s simply because I don’t really know how to talk about these things yet. I don’t fully understand them myself, so how could I explain them to others? This is a total flaw in my personality that I’ve been working on for years – if I can’t comprehend something, I cannot talk about it. In reality I know that voicing my thoughts or problems to those in my life, no matter how crazy they may sound in my head, almost always results in a clearer answer than I had before. It brings an internal issue to an external conversation that allows it is be seen by fresh eyes. Sometimes that’s all that is needed to get clarity.
I’m just not ready to share right now. I need some time to get things right in my head before I can verbalize them. And I don’t feel like it’s fair to you or me to continue to write simply on the surface. I want to bring us both depth through my writing.
However, I want to make it very clear that I want to continue this blog! In fact, I want to grow it into more than it is now. I want to focus on building a brand out of my writing. I want to bring you all value in what I write about. I want to cultivate joy and contentment for myself and for you – my initial vision I had for this blog. I want to make it a space that you are happy to come to read each day and I am excited to come to to share. I want to make it interactive and get to know you. And I will do all these things – come 2018.
What I really need is a few weeks to clear my head and develop these changes, work through a re-design, and brainstorm ideas for the future. The thought of doing those things really excites me, more than the actual writing does at this point. Maybe this is a lesson in patience, which is not a virtue I hold. Patience to prepare before acting, which I think is important in this case. At least for me.
So what I am trying to say is that I am so grateful for you reading about my life for the last almost year, I need a little break, and I am already excited to come back to this in January with a fresh start. Although it sounds cheesy, I love the symbolism of January 1. It signifies a clean slate in all areas of life. And even more so due to the fact that the first day of 2018 is on a Monday this year!
I hope you have the best holiday season you’ve ever had, filled with fun, happiness, your family and friends, and peace. Thank you so much for hanging out with me this year, and I’ll talk to you soon. 🙂